Title: MSR: The Musical! Author: White Star 2 (hila-p@barak-online.net) Rating: G Category: H Spoilers: None (I've managed one of those. Yay me! :) ) Summary: Mulder and Scully fly to New York on a case and experience a few musical relationship problems. (This one is for all you musical buffs!) Disclaimer: The characters all belong to Fox and Ten Thirteen. The songs belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Stephen Sondheim, and Harry Warren Author's notes: No, I was not on drugs when I wrote this. No, I didn't give my muse permission. But, hey, it was this or write a "Young and Healthy" songfic, so I settled. For fun and happy reading, you may want to prepare a few CDs (or mp3s, if that happens to be the case) for yourself. In that case, that stack should include... *clears her throat* Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat(ALW); Follies(Sondheim); A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum(Sondheim); and 42nd Street(Warren). Also, this is probably the first and last time I publish something in script form. I do apologize in advance. Yeah. That's about all I have to say here. --- MSR: The Musical! [Curtain!] [Scene: The FBI Building's Basement. The FBI office. MULDER sits alone with his feet up on the desk. The overture, which sounds remarkably like a violin remix of the X-Files theme, fades out slowly.] [MULDER sighs deeply and plays around with a basketball. The office door opens and SCULLY walks in.] SCULLY: Good morning, Mulder! MULDER: [mutters] Good morning. SCULLY: We've been assigned to do the government's dirty work again, Mulder. We leave for New York this afternoon. MULDER: Oh. I suppose we have to. SCULLY: Yes. Yes, we have to, Mulder. MULDER: Oh. [pauses] Too bad. [SCULLY walks out, leaving the door hanging open.] MULDER: It's always like that. They don't let me go on with my work anymore... [The intro to "Close Every Door" from Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat plays, as Mulder rises out of the chair.] MULDER: But that's okay. As long as the truth is out there, they can't stop me! [sings] Close every door to me Hide all the world from me Bar all the windows And shut out the light Do what you want with me Hate me and laugh at me Darken my daytime And torture my night If my life were important I would ask, will I live or die But I know the answers Lie far from this world [SCULLY peeks through the door, as the music keeps playing. MULDER notices her and stops singing.] SCULLY: Mulder, you promised you won't get us in trouble by chasing UFOs this time. MULDER: I know I did. But I can't give up on what I believe in. [The music hits its emotional high note and fades.] SCULLY: Come on, Mulder. Let's go. [They both exit the office.] [SCENE CHANGE: The airport in New York. MULDER and SCULLY walk on, dragging their baggage. MULDER looks depressed.] SCULLY: Mulder, come on, cheer up. It's just another case. [MULDER looks away from her and doesn't respond.] SCULLY: It's New York! Cheer up! We'll go out to dinner or... [MULDER walks off, leaving SCULLY alone in the airport.] SCULLY: [sighs] Mulder, if I didn't love you so much, I don't know how I'd put up with you! And I just don't know how to tell you! You freeze up like a zombie every time I try... You could just... [sings] You could drive a person crazy! [The accompanyment for "You Could Drive a Person Crazy" from Follies plays. DIANA FOWLY walks in.] SCULLY&DIANA: You could drive a person mad! [PHEOBE GREEN and MARIA CUBAROUVIUS scurry in and the four form a line.] PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: First you make a person hazy So a person could be had PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: Then you leave a person dangling sadly Outside your door Which it only makes a person gladly Want you even more I could understand a person If he said to go away PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: I could understand a person If he happened to be gay PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: But worse'n that A person that Titillates a person and then leaves her flat Is crazy! He's a troubled person He's a truly crazy person himself! DIANA: When a person's personality is personable He shouldn't oughta sit like a lump PHEOBE: It's harder than a matador coercing a bull To try to get you off-a your rump SCULLY: So single and attentive and attractive a man Is everything a person could wish MARITA: But turning off a person is the act of a man Who likes to pull the hooks out of fish! ALL: Knock-knock, is anybody there? Knock-knock, it really isn't fair! Knock-knock, I'm working all my charms! Knock-knock, the zombie's in my arms... All that sweet affection What is wrong? Where's the loose connection? How long, oh Lord, how long? You could drive a person buggy You could drive a person's cool PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: First you make a person feel all huggy While you make her feel a fool PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: When a person says that you've upset her That's when you're good You impersonate a person better Than a zombie should! I could understand a person If he wasn't good in bed PHEOBE: Doo-doo! MARITA: Doo-doo! SCULLY: Doo! ALL: I could understand a person If he actually was dead Doo-doo-doo-doo... Exclusive you! Elusive you! Will any person ever get the juice of you? You're a crazy You're a lovely person You're a moving, deeply maladjusted Never to be trusted Crazy person yourself Mulder is my hobby And I'm giving it up! [PHEOBE, MARITA, and DIANA scurry off and leave SCULLY alone. She sighs and wanders off to find MULDER. Exits.] [SCENE CHANGE: The Field office. SCULLY is reading over a RANDOM AGENT's shoulder. MULDER watches from the side. As the RANDOM AGENT takes special care to brush his arm against SCULLY's, MULDER turns quite green.] MULDER: Scully? [SCULLY turns around.] SCULLY: Yeah, Mulder? MULDER: Uh... Look, I'm sorry you got dragged here because of me. SCULLY: No, it's okay. [Moves in just a little closer] Actually, I don't mind the chance to see New York. I like it. There's something in the air here... [she moves in to kiss Mulder] RANDOM AGENT: Agent Scully? [SCULLY turns her head and takes a step back. MULDER looks halfway between indifferent and disappointed.] SCULLY: Yeah? RANDOM AGENT: I think I found something. You should come look at this. [SCULLY leaves MULDER standing there and she and RANDOM AGENT exit. MULDER sighs, and the intro to "Love, I Hear" from A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Forum plays.] MULDER: [sings] Now that we're alone, May I tell you, I've been feeling very strange? Either something in the air Or else a change Is happening in me. I think I know the cause, I hope I know the cause. From everything I've heard, There's only one cause it can be... Love, I hear, Makes you sigh a lot. Also, love, I hear, Leaves you weak. Love, I hear, Makes you blush And turns you ashen. You try to speak with passion And squeak, I hear. Love, they say, Makes you pine away, But you pine away With an idiotic grin. I pine, I blush, I squeak, I squawk. Today I woke Too weak to walk. What's love, I hear, I feel... I fear... I'm in. [SCULLY pokes her head back in.] SCULLY: Mulder, come on. You should see this. [MULDER grins like a fool and he and SCULLY exit.] [SCENE CHANGE: MULDER and SCULLY's crappy motel, outside SCULLY's room. MULDER is standing there, apparently freezing cold.] MULDER: [overdramatic] I can't let her go out with that guy! I just can't! I have to tell her how I feel! [sings] I know a bundle of humanity She's about so high I'm nearly driven to insanity When she passes by She's a sunny little honey But oh-so-hard to kiss I'll try to overcome her vanity And then I'll tell her this: [He knocks on the door to SCULLY's room. The intro to "Young and Healthy" from 42nd Street plays. SCULLY opens the door.] I'm young and healthy And you've got charm It would really be a sin Not to have you in my arms! I'm young and healty And so are you When the moon is in the sky Tell me what am I to do If I should hate you I'd keep away But that ain't my nature, I'm full of vitamin A, say! [The musical break plays.] SCULLY: Mulder! I never thought you felt the same! This is just wonderful! [hugs him] [sings] I'm young and healthy And you've got charm It would really be a sin Not to have you in my arms! I'm young and healty And so are you When the moon is in the sky Tell me what am I to do If I should hate you I'd keep away But that ain't my nature, I'm full of vitamin A, say! I'm young and healthy So let's be bold In a year or two or three Maybe we will be too old I'm young and healthy And you've got charm It would really be a sin Not to have you iiiiiiin..... myyyyyyyyyy...... Aaaaaaaaaaarms! [MULDER and SCULLY kiss and embrace.] [Curtain.]